Austin

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw@t. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh!t, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?" The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". When being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh!tting herself.

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily, the babies were ok. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mum, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's ok," says the mother, " I know what happened... you were urinating, and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry,"Put dem in A peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin'is too fockin' dangerous for me." ============ PART TWO =================== A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider." ========== PART THREE ================== A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag,and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'hengliding."

A Woman is standing nude in front of the mirror. She says to her husband "I'm horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment". Her husband replies "Your eyesight is f***ing spot on!" An Icelandic tourist's motorbike broke down in the Welsh mountains. He pushed it into a local garage and waited patiently for it to be mended. The mechanic came out, saying, 'You've blown a seal.' 'So what?' said the Icelander .. 'I bet you've sha**ed a sheep.' Husband walks into his house with a duck under his arm. "Here's the pig I've been sha**ing," he says. His wife says, "but that's a duck." And he says, "I was talking to the duck." Bert and Mable in an OAP home. Bert says 'I'm leaving you for Ivy cos she holds my willy all night'. Mable says 'But so do I'. Bert says 'Yes but shes got Parkinsons!' After examining a woman the doctor took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the look of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids." A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." Parts of Whythenshawe in Manchester were closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later found out it was a tax disc.

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line... just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated... He asked the teller, "why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller says, "fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a br*thel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying that, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F==k me, a new br*thel and a new madam". "I'm not a madam and this is not a br*thel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un f==king-believable. A new br*thel, a new madam, and! now two new pr*stitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not pr*stitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "In f==king-credible, a new br*thel, a new madam, new pr*stitutes, but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

Bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages. > > The assistant looks at him and says "Are you Irish?" > > "If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or > if I asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked > you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked > you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Wouldya, eh? Wouldya?" > > The assistant says, "Well no". > > "And if I asked you for some Bourbon, would you ask me if I was American? > What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" > > "Well, no, I probably wouldn't," > > Indignantly the man says, "So why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because > asked for Irish Sausages?" > > The assistant replies, "Because this is Homebase."

Woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development >>recently to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of >>each. >>They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be >>getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to >the >>bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back. >>He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to >>her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going >>on with these spots? >> >>"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: >>is your >>boyfriend a chav?" the doctor asks. >> >>"Yes--how did you know?" >> >>"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"